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June 18,
2004
Q: A
couple of years ago, when my daughter was in fifth grade,
she had a "sex education" component in her health class.
I even saw the workbook they used. It was pretty good, discussing
the physiological differences between genders as well as some
of the emotional and peer-pressure issues.
After
she finished this in school I asked her if she had any questions.
She seemed embarrassed and really didn't want to discuss it
with me. Now that she is headed for the seventh grade I feel
a responsibility to revisit the subject with her, but I'm concerned
that she will be embarrassed again and that I won't handle
it very well.
Several times over the past year I've tried discussing
sex with her and she either changes the subject or tells me
that she "knows everything" from the school program or her
friends. I really don't want to force her to listen to a lecture
that she's uncomfortable with but I would like to make sure
that she understands the realities of sex in this day and age.
What's the best way to go about this with a 12-year-old?
A:
Most kids have the opportunity to experience a sex-education
lesson or program somewhere in late grade school or early middle
school. Usually, the course is fairly comprehensive and focuses
not only upon physiological changes but also on emotions, peer
pressure and sexual diseases.
This can be excellent information,
but only if your child is paying attention. Some do — and gain
quite a bit from the school presentation — while others are
either too giggly with embarrassment to focus, or they feel
that they already know it all.
Overall, I've found that one
of the best ways to handle this ticklish issue is to back up
the information the school has presented with an age-appropriate
book (or books) on the subject. Most bookstores carry excellent
publications that are written and illustrated on a level that
your child can understand. In addition, many of these books
pose and deal with the typical questions that a twelve-year-old
may be too embarrassed to ask.
After you purchase the book,
make sure that you present it to her in such a way that she
doesn't think of it is an assignment or a chore to read. I
would simply hand it to your daughter and note that she can
read it for general and specific information and that you highly
encourage her to do so. Also, suggest that the two of you can
read it together. Perhaps you’ve already read it and can note
certain areas that you thought that the two of you need to
address jointly. Encourage her to read it on her own also — you
may be surprised at how dog-eared the pages will become if
you leave the reading of the book to her own time and discretion!
Second, let your child know that when she has questions about
sex — or anything at all, for that matter — that you are available
at any time to discuss them. Try to emphasize that you’ll do
your best to be non-judgmental. Also, let her know that her
friends' answers and opinions may not be accurate and could
lead to big trouble. Hopefully, she'll come to believe that
your knowledge of sex is at least as adequate as is her friends’ knowledge
and will feel comfortable that your answers will be correct.
Let her know as well that there are no "silly" questions when
it comes to this topic. Even though you may not know an answer,
tell her that you will research it and discuss it with her.
Make it clear that her questions will not result in nagging
or a lecture, but that you'll make a sincere attempt to answer
her concerns.
One of the keys to handling this subject is to
keep it “on topic” — kids' questions about sex are usually
quite specific and they want specific answers. Pre-teens and
teens desire knowledge about petting, diseases, consequences
of actions, and how to prevent pregnancy. Some are concerned
about the moral, religious and ethical implications of sexual
interaction, such as gaining a bad reputation, whether to have
sex before marriage or how long to wait before becoming sexually
active with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Others, though, may
skip the value and character issues and just be concerned about
not getting a disease or becoming pregnant.
Keep in mind, though,
that most middle-schoolers are interested in what’s happening
to their bodies (puberty) rather than actual sexual acts. However,
oral sex has become more prevalent in both the middle and high
school years. I would suggest that you have a heart-to-heart
talk with your child about your expectations about her relationship
behavior, and if it comes up, your take on the oral sex issue
also. This includes kissing and petting behaviors and at what
age you believe these to be appropriate. I would make a strong
statement about how you feel that true sexual behavior at her
age is not acceptable but that you are more than willing to
answer all questions and to discuss the consequences of sexual
behavior if she wishes.
It’s a fine line between coming across
as judgmental versus letting your child know where you stand
on teen sex. Be clear, concise and stand by your convictions. As
a psychologist, I firmly believe that inappropriate pre-teen
and teen sexual behavior often lead to poor reputations, pregnancies,
depression and a multitude of problems. Let your child know
where you stand on this issue, but also let her know that you
are open to discussion, information-gathering and questions.
For
over twenty five years, Dr. Ruth Peters has specialized in
treating children, adolescents and families
in her private practice in Clearwater, Florida. Her focus
has been upon teaching parents how to control their difficult
children, as well as how to motivate kids to reach their academic
potential.
Ruth
A. Peters, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and regular
contributor to “Today.” Her most recent book is "Laying
Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting" (Rodale, 2002). She
is also the consultant psychologist for the Family Program
at the Pritikin Longevity Center, a nutrition and exercise
facility in Aventura, Florida. For more information you can
visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com. Copyright ©2004
by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D.
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Child
gynecology