I HAD SEX LAST NIGHT. I'm 78 and my husband, movie producer
David Brown, is 83. Shocking? Shouldn't be. More and more
women are continuing to be interested in sex not only in
their 40s and 50s, but well into their 60s and 70s. We realize
that we don't want to miss out on something. For many years
women were brainwashed into thinking that they couldn't
have sex after menopause. We now know that's ridiculous,
and are more interested in sex than ever, glory hallelujah,
although we may need a little help. (We'll get to that in
a minute.)
Sex is one of the three best things there are, and I don't
know what the other two are. Sex keeps yon connected to
the human race, prevents you from being a prim, stuffy,
puffy, correct, respected, respectable, finished
old person! It makes you a functioning female instead of
a sexless old crone. After we pass 50 or 60, we've already
lost many validations of our femaleness: we don't menstruate,
don't have babies and nobody's after us, trying to get us
into the broom closet at a party. But having somebody make
love to us keeps us one of the girls. So you have to keep
reciting to yourself: I'm a sexual person; I want sex in
my life; I deserve it, and I'm not gonna let it
disappear.
Our libido slows down after 50 because the hormones are
no longer raging through our bodies as they did at 18. The
thought of piling under a man to make love may hold all
the appeal of being thrown into a garbage scow. Marital
sex often stops because of boredom, too many fights, too
many problems. If you're single (and so many older women
are), there's the supply problem. An older woman has to
go looking; sex mostly doesn't come looking for her. "Between
50 and 60," says one realistic friend, "sex is
out there. If you want it, you can connect. After 60, you
have to supply the sled, the snow and the dog team."
Take a tip from the other side. How do older men attract
women half their age? By paying for their pleasure with
restaurant tabs, tennis lessons, trips to Acapulco, jewelry,
furs, even the monthly rent. So if there's a man who might
be up for having sex with you, take him to Gucci. Take him
to Armani. If that's not your price range, give him a Brooks
Brothers shirt! Give wonderful dinner parties. Pick up some
restaurant tabs. I know a woman in Beverly Hills who's quite
wealthy. After her husband died, she married somebody considerably
younger. He's a wonderful companion and a great host. He
helps her with that great Beverly Hills mansion, and I would
say that although he was bought and paid for, he delivers,
and Mr. Wonderful himself is content.
You appeal to a younger man by being competent, worldly,
glamorous, fun, adoring, good in bed and having a little
money! (Young women can't or don't offer most of those things.)
Some younger men actually prefer older women. Unresolved
childhood crush on a teacher? Need for a "mommy"
to nurture and protect him? We don't always know why
they fall for us.
Here's the biggie: how you can possibly undress in front
of a man who's never seen you naked... that cellulite, those
folds, those pooches! Wear something up to the last minute
before getting into bed; turn off the lights if that makes
you less nervous and back out of the room when it's over
if you think your front is better than your hark. It you
have been exercising like a good girl, your body will probably
look OK — not 16, but maybe 40 (and limber).
Sex to me is the ultimate womanly act — more truly
feminine than baking chocolate-chip cookies or doling out
money for a grandchild's college tuition. Those things are
admirable — but if cookies are the boonies, sex is
the big time! Women our age should indulge. Sex is healthy,
revitalizing, energizing, nurturing. Be very proud of yourself
if you are "of a certain age" and still enjoy
sex. Don't feel one hour of guilt. You are exemplary
— a role model for other women.
©
NEWSWEEK JUNE 5, 2000
Menopause